Eh, you all know wat realli happen anot? I tell you lah. Damn scary sia.
I am a Gurkha guard. I and my frens ah, we all sama-sama guard here, guard dere lah. Guard de Istana, guard de Checkpoint, guard some bloody old man’s house, all dis sort of stupid ting lah. So, dey send me to guard dis detention centre lor, call Weet Lee. One day, I lim ko pi with my fren, den dis chio bu come to us, say, “Come, I wan you to escort me.” She damn chio, I and my friend steam liao*! Actually we all don really wan to go one, but aiyah, our job mah, so tio arrow lor. So lan-lan we go lor.
(*Sorry ah, you tink we all dat desperate meh? Its just dat, around here all guys mah, so if can see lao bu also, better den nah-ting, rite? Rite?)
So, we walk walk walk, went to de cell dere ah, see dis Malayu fella, sitting dere inside. He damn garang one, you know! I see de prison bars all bend already, like he try to escape. His face look like he want to eat me sia! My balls cheem oredy, dat time! But we all Gurkha guards wat, so must look garang also. So I er-just my cowboy hat abit la, make it abit more slant, abit more fierce liddat. De chio bu gimme de key, so I open de door lor. I look at de cell, all de wall crack, de bars bend liddat, I got a bad omen liao. Like someting bad is sure gonna happen liddat.
De chio bu say, de Malayu is going to see his familee, cos he long time no see his familee mah. Den she tell me long story about him la, like he Osama de fren la, he like to escape la, all dat. Like Houdini sia, dis fella. I think if he do show outside, can make big money one, you know! But honestly ah, dat time, I pre-ten to listen only la, cos ackcherli I just see her neneh and her backside la. Sorry la, tak boleh tahan oredy ;)
Walk walk walk some more, we reach de toilet liao. De chio bu say, let him shave and change up inside first. Now I ting back ah, I ask myselfs: So good ah? How come never change inside de cell just now? Kan nin neh, all dis whiles I see people change inside de cell nahting one wat. But ok, dat one never mine. And den she say: “You wait with him inside ah, I wait outside with [my friend de name]. You better jaga him proplee, you know!”
WAH DAMN IT! I PISS OFF OREDY! See, now my friend can talk cock with this chio bu, I got to wait with this Malayu fella inside. Nah beh! Shit! But suck thumb and do la, aiyah.
3.54 pm. So he go inside, I follow.
He go inside this cubicle ah, funny sia, de cubicle. Only got two urinal inside, need door meh?! First time I see dis kind of toilet, got ONE door to cover TWO urinal leh! Why sia?? So if got two guy peeing inside, dey can hanky panky issit?? Or some guy so lucky got two kuku bird, issit??
And den, at de side got ledge one leh. Dunno for what. Got de window right above de ledge some more. Like creative designs liddat. New renovation concept la, maybe.
Anyway, when he go inside de cubicle, I just act garang some more lor. (Ackcherli, I still scared of him, but bo pian la.) But den ah, dunno why he close de door also. But what can I say? Sekali he beat me up how? I see his hand got shaver leh. Wait he poke me with de shaver, how? Wait he strangle me with his chocolate pants how? I only got my cowboy hat to shield me. So I just keep quiet lor. Oklah, I hum chee, happy? But seriously, damn it la. I cannot concentrate liao. Dunno what my friend is doing outside with de chio bu. Basket.
I wait wait wait. First he put his pants over de door. I says to myself: Hengggg ah, he cannot strangle me any more. Den, sekali got sound of tap water leh. I thought: Eh? Inside got no tap wat!? Aiyah, maybe his kuku bird de sound la, like he tahan his pee for 1 year or someting. But de sound never stop leh. So I wait wait wait la. A bit funny leh, 10 minutes he still inside, still got de water sound. His kuku bird cannot finish peeing meh? At de same time, I go crazy also, dunno what my friend doing outside with de chio bu. So I bo kah lan about de Malayu fella, and go and peep what dey doing outside.
Nah beh, dey flirting sia! Smile smile, laugh laugh! But she is my upper mah, so cannot scold her also la. Damn it la, my friend so lucky sia. So I come out and say nice-nice la, “Ma’am ah, how come de water sound inside never stop ah? I scared de pee overflow ah, den we kanasai oredy, must clean up this old man’s urine.” Basket, den only dey serious abit.
So we all go in, we knock knock de cubicle door.
“Oi, what you doing inside, so long?!”
No answer.
“Oi, Malayu! Open de door!”
Nah beh, still no responn. Still peeing, maybe. I got heard also de Malayu people ah, cannot talk when dey pee one.
But we wait too long already la. 4.05pm oredy. Wait de floor got urine overflow, big problem sia, my shiny boots kena urine. Ackcherli, we quite hum oredy la, scared he inside armed with his shaver oredy. But because de chio bu ask us ah, we kick de door lor.
NO ONE INSIDE SIA! He escape! Shit!
“How ah, how ah?”
We look look, dunno where de tap water sound go, or when it come from.
He climb out ah? We see de window open, but de wall quite clean leh. Some more, just now got no sound of people moving or anyting liddat wat… only dat tap water sound, and dunno where it come from! Basket, if he really climb out ah, I hear his body fall down outside like rotten durian already wat! If he open de window, I hear de window creak already wat!
So I dig my ear. Shit, long time never dig, alot of ear shit inside, and den I pat my friend’s shoulder, heehee. Maybe I deaf la. Or maybe I think too much about de chio bu.
I look at de chio bu, she gimme one one kind of look. Ka na sai, not chio already. She take out her Nokia N81 to call somebody, maybe call police.
Chee beh, how de hell he escape? I got let him escape meh? This Malayu fella too garang oredy. Better than commando or diver.
Damn scary sia.
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(to be continued)
